Turkey Talk

Things My Mama said over Thanksgiving weekend:

***Message: You’re dirty and a Terrible Mom***

Scenario: My boyfriend is on my way over and Mama stops by

“Are you going to clean up your house?”

Me: “No, I am just folding laundry. He probably knows I have to do that at some point.”

“I envy you. I don’t know how you do it.”

Me: “What? be a single Mom?”

“No, have someone over in your messy house. It’s amazing. Your brother inherited that from me. He NEVER lets anyone come over without his house being perfect.”

Summary: the show Everybody Loves Raymond is so close to being what my family is like. My brother, is always perfect; Clean house, and all.

***Message: You never know what your kids want and you’re a terrible Mom***

Scenario: Black Friday 10 PM on the day after I went to the Doctor for bronchitis and a double ear infection following the flu

“I think he (my oldest son) needs a tablet and an XBOX 360.”

Me: “he has a Wii and a netbook he doesn’t use”

“Kids need to change video games to feel good. They like that. Remember your brother? He always changed video games. It’s normal.”

Me: “Whatever, I don’t remember my brother’s video game habits. But, I guess I can get an Xbox.”

“He comes from a divorced family. An Xbox will make him happy. Walmart has one on sale at 10:oo, so go get in line. I tried to buy one cheap on Amazon, but I have had to buy your kids so many gifts in the past few days, I guess they (Amazon) wouldn’t let it go through because I have spent so much.” [HUH?!!]

Me: “Well, can’t we find one online? They always seem to have teasers and I don’t feel great so I hate to get there and they are gone.”

“Well I will pay for half, but I can’t afford those except at the Black Friday Sale”

Me: “Ummmm ok I guess I will go up there.”

I go to Walmart and they are sold out of Xboxes, so I call Mama to see if I should still buy the discounted games if I am not sure that I will be able to find a system.

Me: “Hey they are sold out so I guess I shouldn’t buy the games.”

“Well, the one that came with the one I bought is sports.”

Me: “What? What one you bought?”

“The one on Amazon. They decided to let me buy it this morning.” [OMFG!]

Me: “Mom, why am I in the Walmart at 11:30 Pm if you have one?”

“Amazon wasn’t sure it would let the purchase go through.”

Summary: OMG really?! Sick in the store being pushed around for her amusement. Priceless.

 
 

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Thanksgiving Terror

Let me begin by saying I am thankful that my Mama is still alive.

Hopefully, that absolves me from what I am about to write. Today is Thanksgiving day. As of yesterday, I had no plans. I called my Mom to tell her that the kids and I are going to a Pow Wow. Authentic Native American dancing and music is on the agenda for a family-free Turkey Day! Well, Mama informs me that she has no plans. My brother and his wife are supposedly going to her family’s house. I am now obligated to invite her and my dad to my Family-Free Day. I owe her, though, so I feel like I am still getting a deal after all of the Thanksgiving dinners she has cooked for me.

Fast Forward to Thanksgiving. This morning, Mama and Dad are an hour late to pick us up. She has decided to not cook lunch today and instead called me at 6:30 last night to come over and eat “Thanksgiving Dinner”. Huh?!! Anyway, I went and ate and pretended like the Chinet wasn’t weird. Typically, my Mama creates a table out of Southern Living. She is the BEST cook ever and always uses linen napkins. Last night, we ate Thanksgiving dinner on Chinet…and not on Thanksgiving. 

So, This morning they are late. Mama shows up huffing and puffing, screamin’ and shoutin’ and telling us all how awful we are. She even made the baby cry and he is usually perfect in her eyes. She is obviously in a mood and what I can’t figure out is why I am the one to have the joy of dealing with it?

So we are in for a 2 hour drive, with the kids arguing in the back seat. My Mama wedged in between them (and I do mean wedged!) Meanwhile she is going on about how my oldest son needs to learn to behave and stop “being rowdy.” Ok, my oldest has ADHD and is not easy to deal with after an hour. However, he does not need a running commentary on how awful he is at everything. She is also saying a “What you need to do….” speech. Mama is known for these as she always has an opinion on what you need to do. I am just feeling sick that my poor son has to listen to how great she is and how awful his behavior is.

We FINALLY make it to the restaurant and we are required to wait an hour and a half to be seated. Two children running around, my Dad scwling and Mama trying to win at the casino. She is seriously sitting at a slot machine while telling the baby “I love you, but don’t get on the carpet or the police will get you.” HUH?!” Who stops in a casino and waits to hours to eat with 2 small kids in tow?! I am thankfully on my tranquilizer and manage to tune out until we are seated.

We are all surrounded by giant mounds of food when Mama decides it is time to share that my sis in law refused to come to Thanksgiving because of an argument we had. The Sister-in-Law texted me and proceeded to tell me how I suck. (she is from a part of my state that encompasses where they filmed Deliverance…I suspect that, anyway.) I stood up for myself and have thus, caused another family feud (there’s a reason they named that show FF!). So, in the retaurant, on Thanksgiving Day, My Mama decides to vent on me.  Oh my goodness! I don’t want to even think about Christmas!  

Don’t forget the Turkey!

So, I get a call from Mama while I am knee-deep in work drama. I  work in a crisis-oriented field and my Mama hasn’t figured out I don’t have time to chit-chat all day. Anyway, she calls to tell me she has left the Baby’s “Turkey paper” on the counter and has left a note for me.  The “Baby” is my 2 almost 3 year old son. Apparently, the Baby’s preschool has started giving homework and I have neglected my Turkey assignment. 

I wake up at 5 AM in the morning, get my sons ready and go to work by 7:15 AM. I work all day, pick up the kids at different daycare/afterschool programs and maybe get home by 6:15 PM. This night, I get to go to Hobby Lobby to let the baby pick out things to decorate his turkey paper. So, I get home at 7:15 after shopping for “Turkey Monkeys” and stopping st Firehouse for subs. Turkey Monkeys are what the Baby chose to decorate his decorate his turkey. For $4 I bought 8 glittery monkeys and assorted bananas for my 2 year old to stick on a poorly drawn turkey paper.

The note from Mama attached states: Please try not to forget to help the Baby decorate his Turkey. His teacher said she gave this to you several weeks ago. He was the only child in the class who didn’t decorate a pumpkin! (This was back in October, but serves as a good jolt when she needs it.)

This is a typical Mama Drama and contains all the essential elements:

1. My predictable inadequacy.

2. A reference to an undiagnosed form of  “Dumbass Daughter Dementia” that my Mama thinks prevents me from remembering anything.

3. A big, heaping helping of guilt. Homecooked by Mama’s love.

4. A dramatic gesture. (In this case, she drove to my house to leave the paper on the counter versus leaving it in his cubby at school.)

5. Some measure of her Goodness by which we may contrast my Badness.

I wonder how my children will ever survive me. The trauma of an inadequate Mama!