Christmas Nightmare

I have given it a day before posting the Christmas nightmare. Mama was up at 4 AM (she never needs sleep..like a Vampire.) The day started as terribly as Christmas Eve had been: “You don’t have any caffeinated coffee”. “I don’t know how you stand it so cold in here all of the time.”, “I had to be up at 4 so I could cook breakfast. These delightful conversation starters were followed by her not telling me that my baby was awake, so I missed him seeing his gifts for the first time (Mama: “I know how you love your sleep.) I wasn’t asleep, I was in my room avoiding criticism.

The kids had an amazing time and loved their gifts. I opened mine and oh my, what a disaster. Mama has this thing she does where she buys me clothes several sizes too big to imply that I am fat. (She is larger than me.) So everything she bought was an extra large or an XXL, even though I wear a medium. Mama also bought me orange clothes, which, she knows is a color that does not flatter my shade of red hair. I didn’t flinch. I just said “Thank you” and moved on. She bought me a camera, but not the one I asked for (which was inexpensive.) Mama: “Your brother says that consumer reports rated this one the best. And you have to keep it in a case, not just throw it around like you do everything else.”

We ate our breakfast casserole and my son complained that he wouldn’t be getting a real Christmas dinner. That’s when all Hell broke loose. My ex called and asked for the kids early because he was cooking at his girlfriend’s parents’ home. I thought it was a fabulous idea because it meant my kids had a chance for a normal Christmas Dinner. (My parents did not see it that way, at all.)

I don’t know what happened, but somewhere between the “You’re a piece of crap” messages, the fact my kids had to leave me to have a normal day and the stress of a holiday, I broke down. I told my parents it was time for them to go and I packed up all their food and put it in their car. I am proud of myself for being calm while Mama screamed and yelled. The baby hid under a pillow on the sofa and my oldest laid in the floor and cried. It was beyond disturbing to see my babies in such distress. I took a tranquilizer and went to bed to sleep for 5 hours. I have not spoken to them since that incident. My Dad keeps calling me, but I really don’t want to talk. I wish I had something funny to write or something funny to say, but being the family scape goat for passive-aggressive Moms just sucks. No sugar-coating that bitter pill. I told her to take her resentment to someone else on the next holiday, I want no part of it.

Christmas Train-ride to Hell

I decided to invite my parents to go with me and my kids on a Santa Train ride. I INVITED them to go on Saturday night. My Mom informs me that they have a “very important social event…So and So’s Winter Wonderland Wedding…to attend” but they can go Sunday. I have plans for Sunday night with my (reunited) boyfriend, so I plan on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday Morning Phone call to Mama:

SJ: Hey so I am planning on going at !:30, so we will meet at your house.

M: Oh. (Sigh.) I thjought we were going when we could see things.

SJ: What? We can’t see at 2:00?

M: Well, we can see some things, but we will miss all the lights.

SJ: I have plans tonight, but it’s kinda grey, so I think it will be fine. Besides, I planned to go LAST night.

Fast forward 4 hours:

M: It’s too bad we can’t see the lights from this train.

The baby: I see lights! They’re pretty.

1 Hour later on the train ride back from Santa’s Village:

M: Look at these lights, they are gorgeous! (It’s dark now.) Just imagine what the ride in would have looked like.

SJ: Ummm I can see the other side because we are just across a lake, in fact, the words over there are turned so we see them here.

M: I feel like I missed half the fun.

SJ: (Internal thought) I feel like I missed ALL of the fun. LOL 🙂

Upon Arrival at the Station where we find out there is a 2.5 hour wait to ride the train:

Dad: Look at all these people

M: I heard the lady say there were 200 girl scouts!

D: It’s packed.

M: I am SO glad I decided we should come when we did. This would have been miserable at night!

*GONG!!!!*  

Oh dear. I hope y’all enjoy these exchanges as much as I enjoy sharing them! I have to admit that instead of getting really irritated, I found myself thinking: Hey this is great for my blog!

Keep giggling!

❤ Jilly

 

Well, How Nice

So I  had to break the news to Mama that I broke up with my boyfriend. She HATES break ups and considers even the laziest serial killer to be a perfect match for me. (What I mean by lazy serial killer, is I don’t think it would bother her if he had a few body parts hanging out of the back of his truck. Or like maybe he forgot to chop up the body.) Anyway, I digress… So I tried a new tactic and said well I would tell you what happened since you asked, but I doubt you would understand. She immediately is trying to understand now…she is so oppositional she can’t help herself.  So I tell her the story and she is silent. I say, “Well I figured you wouldn’t get it.” And Mama says (drumroll please….) ” I get it that you think he is not the one for you. But its a shame because hes so good-looking and makes good money.” That’s right, Ladies and Gents, never-you-mind how he treats me. The important things in life are looks and money.

Reminds me of a joke about a Southern Belle :

SB1: Hey I came over to show you this beautiful bracelet my Daddy gave me. He taught me how to pick out the finest diamonds.

SB2: *Rocking on the front porch and fanning herself* Well, how nice.

SB1: And look at that gorgeous new mercedes he bought me! My Daddy spoils me. he taught me how to drive that car just like a race car driver.

SB2: Well, how nice.

SB1: So what did your Daddy teach you?

SB2: My Daddy taught me good manners and especially how to say “Well, how nice.” when you really want to say “Fuck You.”

Apparently. I deserve whoever I can get no matter how they treat me as long as they are gorgeous and rich.

Well, how nice.

Whomp! Hair it is!

My shower and sinks have been backing up and overflowing for seven months. I still have an ex-husband who doesn’t pay child support, so I can’t afford a plumber. My garbage disposal no longer works due to whatever is causing the plumbing issues. My Dad came over, looked at it and announced that he didn’t know what the problem is, but that a disposal is a luxury that a single Mom doesn’t really need. {Huh?!} So, for 7 months I have had leaves, dirt, bugs and random items come up through ALL of my drains and fill the bathtubs, shower and sinks. READ: A big ol’mess!  My boyfriend has been coming over and helping me repair things that have been ignored by my family. So, in true form…I come home to see a bottle of liquid plumber-like stuff on the kitchen cabinet. My family only comes to help if there is a threat of being embarasssed publically. So, for my boyfriend to notice that they are enjoying me living at a lesser standard than they are…. is…. well…..embarassing. Therefore, the sudden repair effort.  

Mama’s phone call:

Scenario: She HATES my hair. She likes it short, I like it long. This is a battle that originated in the 3rd grade when my Dad made the fatal mistake of mentioning how beautiful my hair was long. Within hours, it was barely a couple of inches off my scalp. Mama has to be the center of beauty in the world.

Message: Your Hair is awful and so are you

Mama: “Hey your Dad and your brother came over to fix your plumbing problem. It’s your hair. They cleaned out the drains, but it was ALL your hair. You know how long your hair is and it all falls out everywhere. They won’t be able to fix your disposal, so I guess you can blame your hair on that.”

Me: “Ok well tell them thanks.”

Mama: “Were you asleep?!”

Me: “Yeah, when the DR. increased my medicine, it made me sleepy.”

Mama: “I don’t know how you take all that medicine. I would cut back on that if I were you.”

Me: “Well, YOUR  Dr is the one who prescribed it. I am not taking a lot of medication. (?!) I am not sure what you mean by that.”

Mama: “Well let me let you go back to your usual afternoon nap. I know how all your medicine makes you sleepy. I guess your hair has ruined your plumbing. Thank goodness your Dad and your brother can get stuff like that cleaned out.”

Commentary: Oh geez, I can’t imagine life without a perfect Dad and Brother. Also, note to self: Check on how my hair effects the economy and global warming and gays.

Turkey Talk

Things My Mama said over Thanksgiving weekend:

***Message: You’re dirty and a Terrible Mom***

Scenario: My boyfriend is on my way over and Mama stops by

“Are you going to clean up your house?”

Me: “No, I am just folding laundry. He probably knows I have to do that at some point.”

“I envy you. I don’t know how you do it.”

Me: “What? be a single Mom?”

“No, have someone over in your messy house. It’s amazing. Your brother inherited that from me. He NEVER lets anyone come over without his house being perfect.”

Summary: the show Everybody Loves Raymond is so close to being what my family is like. My brother, is always perfect; Clean house, and all.

***Message: You never know what your kids want and you’re a terrible Mom***

Scenario: Black Friday 10 PM on the day after I went to the Doctor for bronchitis and a double ear infection following the flu

“I think he (my oldest son) needs a tablet and an XBOX 360.”

Me: “he has a Wii and a netbook he doesn’t use”

“Kids need to change video games to feel good. They like that. Remember your brother? He always changed video games. It’s normal.”

Me: “Whatever, I don’t remember my brother’s video game habits. But, I guess I can get an Xbox.”

“He comes from a divorced family. An Xbox will make him happy. Walmart has one on sale at 10:oo, so go get in line. I tried to buy one cheap on Amazon, but I have had to buy your kids so many gifts in the past few days, I guess they (Amazon) wouldn’t let it go through because I have spent so much.” [HUH?!!]

Me: “Well, can’t we find one online? They always seem to have teasers and I don’t feel great so I hate to get there and they are gone.”

“Well I will pay for half, but I can’t afford those except at the Black Friday Sale”

Me: “Ummmm ok I guess I will go up there.”

I go to Walmart and they are sold out of Xboxes, so I call Mama to see if I should still buy the discounted games if I am not sure that I will be able to find a system.

Me: “Hey they are sold out so I guess I shouldn’t buy the games.”

“Well, the one that came with the one I bought is sports.”

Me: “What? What one you bought?”

“The one on Amazon. They decided to let me buy it this morning.” [OMFG!]

Me: “Mom, why am I in the Walmart at 11:30 Pm if you have one?”

“Amazon wasn’t sure it would let the purchase go through.”

Summary: OMG really?! Sick in the store being pushed around for her amusement. Priceless.